Imposter Syndrome and Self-Doubt: You Don’t Have to Cope Alone

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My parents were GPs and ran a lively practice in a farming community in the South West. As part of her duties, my mum would check in with new mothers after they had come home from hospital with a new baby. Was the new mum coping with the enormous changes that a baby brings. Strange as it may seem, it’s not all rainbows and unicorns. Parents are sleep deprived and everything can feel overwhelming. Mum said she would sometimes say, “… and there are times when you could quite happily throw the little so-and-so out the window.” She said she lost count of the number of times the mum would look at her with shock and relief that someone else felt that way too.

We can hold two feelings at once and feel ashamed of admitting one of them. That is what this memory brings to mind: the bereaved person who misses someone and also feels relief; the person who longs for a passionate but tempestuous relationship while knowing it was not good for them; the person who enjoys helping others and resents their demands. Or the parent who thinks, ‘I longed to have this baby and now I miss my old life.’ These are the feelings we may struggle to say out loud, even to someone close to us.

Imposter Syndrome and the inner critic

Imposter syndrome is another way this conflict can show up, and it is something clients often bring to the counselling room. You may know you have earned your place and still fear that your boss will think you are not good enough. An inner critic tells you that you got it wrong, or that you will get it wrong, so why try? Alongside that doubt can come isolation and shame: the belief that nobody else feels this way, or that other people have bigger problems and you have no right to find this difficult.

That doubt can shape how you respond to other people. You might put yourself down before anyone else has a chance to criticise you, or automatically assume their ideas are better than yours. Imposter syndrome seems to search for every fault, leaving a scratchy sense of uncertainty: part of you knows you can do it, while another part suspects you can’t. Our rational mind can point to our qualifications and the times we know we did well and yet still there is that nagging voice in our head that seems to bat away every affirmation we use to try and boost our confidence.

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Why self-doubt can be hard to admit?

It can be difficult to admit a feeling that clashes with what you think you should feel. That word ‘should’ suggests there is a right response, and that anything else is wrong. If you longed to become a mum but do not always feel happy or content, you might find yourself wondering what that says about you as a mother?

For someone experiencing imposter syndrome, the fear of being found out may carry a deeper worry: ‘I do not deserve this job.’  Beneath that fear may be shame about struggling to cope, or the belief that everyone else is more qualified, confident and capable. Being seen as ‘less than’ can then feel like a threat to an already fragile sense of self-worth.

For some people, these feelings may connect with growing up in an overly critical household, where they rarely felt good enough. Parents or carers may have intended to encourage high standards, but the child heard their words as criticism and was left feeling anxious or unloved. Later doubts about worth may bring back the painful fear that they were not loved, along with a deep sense of shame.

Self-doubt and the fear that everyone else is coping

It is not easy to cope with difficult feelings on your own. You might push them aside or bury them by working extra hard. Or you might find yourself caught in the inner critic’s questions: ‘Other people seem to cope, so why can’t I? Is this another sign that I’m not good enough?’ Even trying to manage the feelings can become another reason to doubt yourself.

Feeling too ashamed to admit to a feeling can compound the distress because we feel isolated as well. We dare not say what we really think because we fear being judged or ridiculed. We convince ourselves that everyone else is coping or we play the comparison game: one of the most common, and unhelpful strategies our inner critic loves to throw our way. After all, your inner critic says, “It’s not as if you live in the Ukraine and are in physical danger every night.” But this isn’t a fair comparison and your problems and feelings about them deserve to be treated seriously.  

Carrying everything silently comes at a cost. You may offer a breezy “I’m fine, how are you?”  while feeling exhausted underneath. Behind that familiar reply may be a need for help, for understanding and for someone to listen without treating your struggle as weakness.

 Putting difficult feelings into words

 ‘I’ve never told anyone this before’ is a phrase I often hear in the counselling room. It makes me wonder what it might be like to say what is really on your mind without immediately softening it. A stressed mother might say, ‘Sometimes I resent being a mum,’ without feeling obliged to add, ‘but of course I love my kids.’ What would it be like to give that first feeling room to be heard?

If you feel like an imposter, telling someone ‘Sometimes I don’t know what I am doing, and I’m afraid I’ll be found out’ may feel daunting. You might worry that they will not understand. Yet speaking about it may also bring a little relief, like a weight lifting off your shoulders. Even a brief pause in the carousel of anxiety can give you space to clear your head. Talking to someone, or keeping a journal, can offer a way to put those feelings into words.

Making room for self-compassion

Holding two contradictory feelings is not unusual, in fact, I think it can reflect a healthy respect for the complexity of life. Allowing both feelings to be present rather than making one cancel out the other. Part of finding resilience and living authentically may be learning to sit with sadness, confusion or anger and meet the pain beneath them with compassion.

If this has struck a chord, you do not need to have everything worked out before getting in touch. I offer a free half-hour call where we can talk about what you are dealing with and explore whether we might be the right fit. If you would like to find out more, let’s have a chat.

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People Pleasing and Anxiety: What’s Driving It (and What Can Help)

Have you ever heard yourself say “yes” when, inside, you’re thinking “I really want to say no”? You’re not alone. Most of us do this sometimes. In this blog I’m going to look at people pleasing—why it can ramp up anxiety and leave you feeling drained, and a few ways to start loosening the pattern.

I’m a self-employed psychotherapist and counsellor, and I’ve got into a rhythm with my working week: two days seeing clients in person, two days working remotely (video or phone), and one day kept back for admin, supervision, and a bit of breathing space. Recently, though, I took on a couple of short-term clients who could only see me on my admin day, so I opened it up so I could see them. I didn’t mind doing it—but I really noticed the knock-on effect of even that small change.

Because I’m self-employed (and because my job is literally helping, people), I tend to avoid turning inquiries down if I can help it. If you’re self-employed too, you’ll probably recognise the ebb and flow of work—and therapists in particular are often wired to be useful. So saying “no” can feel surprisingly uncomfortable.

But once I extended my week, my “internal office manager” showed up: the part of me that sighs, peers over its glasses and says, “Right… but that means you won’t do this at the usual time, and you’ll have to squeeze that in somewhere else.” And then—pretty quickly—I’m in self-reproach: why didn’t I hold my boundary? why do I say yes when I’d rather say no? In therapy training we used to say, “Boundaries are easy to set and hard to maintain.” Let me say that again in dramatic type:

Boundaries are easy to set and hard to maintain.

That moment got me thinking about people pleasing—something I see a lot in the therapy room (and something I’ve had to work on myself). As a “recovering people pleaser”, I know the pull: wanting to be the good one, the reliable one, the person everyone can count on—and worrying that someone might feel let down, annoyed, or hurt. So I’d say yes when I meant no, and I’d keep going even when I was already stretched. Unsurprisingly, that often ended in exhaustion, overwhelm, and sometimes burnout.

Why People Pleasing often starts in childhood

When you notice a pattern repeating—people pleasing, perfectionism (rewriting that email one more time), or the same arguments with a partner that never quite get resolved—it can help to pause and ask: where did this start? What might have shaped it?

A lot of our coping strategies make perfect sense once you look at where they came from. Many of them start in childhood. So it can be worth wondering: did this behaviour help you back then? Maybe it gave you a bit of control in a chaotic household. Maybe there were big, loud personalities around you, and keeping your head down felt like the safest option. Or perhaps being “the good one” or “the hard worker” earned you approval or kept things calm. If any of that rings a bell, people pleasing may have been a really smart adaptation then—even if it’s costing you now.

How to Stop People Pleasing: 3 Steps to Healthier Boundaries

There are lots of reasons these patterns take hold. And when you’ve been doing something for years, it can start to feel like it’s “just who I am”. But it doesn’t have to stay that way. Here are three simple steps that can really help:

·       Soften the negative self-talk

·       Get curious about what’s happening (instead of judging it)

·       Turn towards your needs in the moment

When we fall into an old pattern, it’s so easy to go straight to self-criticism: “Why do I always do this?” “Why do I let them treat me like this?” “There we go again—I’m useless.” But that inner voice usually keeps you stuck. It adds guilt and shame on top of what you’re already feeling, and that makes change harder, not easier.

So next time you notice the pattern, see if you can meet it with a bit of kindness. Instead of “What’s wrong with me?”, try: “OK… interesting. What made me respond like that?” Does it remind you of anything? Sometimes something that was said years ago can quietly lodge in the background, and then it gets stirred up again when a similar situation happens now. Curiosity helps you see this as something you learned—not a flaw that’s baked into your personality.

Finally, ask yourself what you need in this moment. If you’re a people pleaser, your focus often goes straight to the other person—what they need, how to keep things smooth, how to avoid disappointment. So try gently turning the question back towards yourself: what do I need here?

And then just notice what shows up. Maybe there’s an inner voice that says, “Don’t be selfish.” Maybe you worry the other person will feel rejected if you say no. That’s all useful information. It gives you more choice—and with practice, it becomes easier to respond differently and build boundaries that actually protect your time and energy.

So, that’s a look at people pleasing: how it can feed anxiety, and what can help you start shifting it. If you take one thing from this, let it be this: you’re not “broken”. These patterns are common, and they usually make sense when you understand where they came from. And the more you can notice what’s happening (with a bit of compassion), the more choice you have about how you respond.

If this is something you recognise in yourself, you don’t have to figure it out alone. People pleasing and boundary work are things I support clients with every day. If you’d like to explore what’s driving the pattern for you—and practise new ways of responding—you’re welcome to get in touch.

Tony Austin is an accredited counsellor and psychotherapist offering counselling in Brighton, Hove and online. He works with adults and couples on anxiety, self-worth, relationships, depression and personal growth.