Have you ever heard yourself say “yes” when, inside, you’re thinking “I really want to say no”? You’re not alone. Most of us do this sometimes. In this blog I’m going to look at people pleasing—why it can ramp up anxiety and leave you feeling drained, and a few ways to start loosening the pattern.
I’m a self-employed psychotherapist and counsellor, and I’ve got into a rhythm with my working week: two days seeing clients in person, two days working remotely (video or phone), and one day kept back for admin, supervision, and a bit of breathing space. Recently, though, I took on a couple of short-term clients who could only see me on my admin day, so I opened it up so I could see them. I didn’t mind doing it—but I really noticed the knock-on effect of even that small change.
Because I’m self-employed (and because my job is literally helping, people), I tend to avoid turning inquiries down if I can help it. If you’re self-employed too, you’ll probably recognise the ebb and flow of work—and therapists in particular are often wired to be useful. So saying “no” can feel surprisingly uncomfortable.
But once I extended my week, my “internal office manager” showed up: the part of me that sighs, peers over its glasses and says, “Right… but that means you won’t do this at the usual time, and you’ll have to squeeze that in somewhere else.” And then—pretty quickly—I’m in self-reproach: why didn’t I hold my boundary? why do I say yes when I’d rather say no? In therapy training we used to say, “Boundaries are easy to set and hard to maintain.” Let me say that again in dramatic type:
Boundaries are easy to set and hard to maintain.
That moment got me thinking about people pleasing—something I see a lot in the therapy room (and something I’ve had to work on myself). As a “recovering people pleaser”, I know the pull: wanting to be the good one, the reliable one, the person everyone can count on—and worrying that someone might feel let down, annoyed, or hurt. So I’d say yes when I meant no, and I’d keep going even when I was already stretched. Unsurprisingly, that often ended in exhaustion, overwhelm, and sometimes burnout.
Why People Pleasing often starts in childhood
When you notice a pattern repeating—people pleasing, perfectionism (rewriting that email one more time), or the same arguments with a partner that never quite get resolved—it can help to pause and ask: where did this start? What might have shaped it?
A lot of our coping strategies make perfect sense once you look at where they came from. Many of them start in childhood. So it can be worth wondering: did this behaviour help you back then? Maybe it gave you a bit of control in a chaotic household. Maybe there were big, loud personalities around you, and keeping your head down felt like the safest option. Or perhaps being “the good one” or “the hard worker” earned you approval or kept things calm. If any of that rings a bell, people pleasing may have been a really smart adaptation then—even if it’s costing you now.
How to Stop People Pleasing: 3 Steps to Healthier Boundaries
There are lots of reasons these patterns take hold. And when you’ve been doing something for years, it can start to feel like it’s “just who I am”. But it doesn’t have to stay that way. Here are three simple steps that can really help:
· Soften the negative self-talk
· Get curious about what’s happening (instead of judging it)
· Turn towards your needs in the moment
When we fall into an old pattern, it’s so easy to go straight to self-criticism: “Why do I always do this?” “Why do I let them treat me like this?” “There we go again—I’m useless.” But that inner voice usually keeps you stuck. It adds guilt and shame on top of what you’re already feeling, and that makes change harder, not easier.
So next time you notice the pattern, see if you can meet it with a bit of kindness. Instead of “What’s wrong with me?”, try: “OK… interesting. What made me respond like that?” Does it remind you of anything? Sometimes something that was said years ago can quietly lodge in the background, and then it gets stirred up again when a similar situation happens now. Curiosity helps you see this as something you learned—not a flaw that’s baked into your personality.
Finally, ask yourself what you need in this moment. If you’re a people pleaser, your focus often goes straight to the other person—what they need, how to keep things smooth, how to avoid disappointment. So try gently turning the question back towards yourself: what do I need here?
And then just notice what shows up. Maybe there’s an inner voice that says, “Don’t be selfish.” Maybe you worry the other person will feel rejected if you say no. That’s all useful information. It gives you more choice—and with practice, it becomes easier to respond differently and build boundaries that actually protect your time and energy.
So, that’s a look at people pleasing: how it can feed anxiety, and what can help you start shifting it. If you take one thing from this, let it be this: you’re not “broken”. These patterns are common, and they usually make sense when you understand where they came from. And the more you can notice what’s happening (with a bit of compassion), the more choice you have about how you respond.
If this is something you recognise in yourself, you don’t have to figure it out alone. People pleasing and boundary work are things I support clients with every day. If you’d like to explore what’s driving the pattern for you—and practise new ways of responding—you’re welcome to get in touch.