Photo by Ernst-Günther Krause (NID) on Unsplash

One concern I often hear when a client comes to therapy is that we are going to talk about their childhood and that this might end with them blaming or resenting their parents. It is an understandable worry. Therapy does often involve some conversation about the client’s childhood, because this is where our ideas about ourselves and the world were first formed. Our minds are young and impressionable then, and many of the ideas formed in those early years can stay with us long into adulthood. When we explore childhood memories and experiences in therapy, the purpose is not to assign blame, but to understand the messages you absorbed then and gently ask whether they are still shaping your life now.

Therapy is about understanding, not blaming

Coming to therapy is not about blaming your parents. It can, however, involve having an honest and compassionate conversation about your childhood experiences and how they shaped the way you feel about yourself and see the world. Often, when I first meet a client, they worry that therapy will encourage them to blame their parents for everything that has gone wrong in their life. Quite understandably, that does not sit well with most of us. We may know that our parents were human beings doing their best, and we may feel uncomfortable with the idea of blaming them for difficulties we are experiencing now .

The work we do together in therapy is not about apportioning blame. It is about unpacking the experiences of childhood and the messages you may have internalised along the way. Our parents are bound to have played a part in that, because they were our first relationships and often became the template for many of our future relationships. This might mean acknowledging what was not helpful, painful or confusing, and giving yourself permission to notice how it made you feel.

Why it can feel disloyal to talk about our parents

Some messages can be so strongly embedded in our society and culture, reinforced in the schools we attended and absorbed almost unconsciously, that it feels wrong to challenge them. I recall a particularly angry teacher at my junior school - she taught Religious Studies - berating us for how she believed we behaved towards our parents: “I expect you talk back to them, swear at them under your breath, roll your eyes when told to tidy your room.” She was an extreme example, but society still imposes strong messages on how we should related to our parents.

Long before we get near a therapy room, most of us know that being a parent is one of the toughest jobs there is and no one feels prepared for it. You can read every self-help book in your local book shop and listen to every podcast on how to raise happy, healthy children but it’s a job you learn by doing and you make mistakes along the way. We may have a loving and healthy relationship with our parents now and so feel disloyal if we dig up some memory from the past and talk about it.

But sometimes it is those mistakes - the moments when a child needed support and did not receive it, or the thoughtless remark expressed in a moment of tiredness or frustration - that can have a lasting impact. An off-the-cuff comment or a belittling joke may not seem much to the adult saying it or they might even argue it was teaching the child to “toughen up”. But it can plant a seed of shame or low self-esteem that they may carry for years.

What messages did you grow up with?

If you grew up in a house full of arguments, you may have learned to keep the peace at all costs. Some people with this kind of background become people-pleasers, find it difficult to say no, or struggle to assert healthy boundaries. A home filled with anger and conflict can also lead someone to fear that emotion in themselves and others. Later in life, they may find it hard to challenge a bully at work or to express their feelings when they are badly treated.

Perhaps you were often compared to others, a behaviour that is not uncommon in some households: “Why can’t you be more like so and so?” Prettier, slimmer, more intelligent, more successful — the comparisons can seem endless. Or perhaps your academic record was a source of criticism or ridicule. One friend of mine said that if he got nine ‘A’s in his school report, somehow it was always the ‘B’ that seemed to preoccupy his dad. Perhaps that father thought he was setting the bar high to encourage his child to excel, but often the message the child picks up is: “No matter how much I succeed, I will never be good enough.”

Do you find it hard to accept compliments? If a supervisor, client or romantic partner praises you, how do you react? Some people can accept a compliment graciously. Others feel a need to minimise themselves with a belittling remark such as “just doing my job”, or they deflect the praise with a flippant put-down. They may think they are being modest, but often they are rejecting the message itself. The root of this may lie in a deep lack of self-worth. Such a person may not have received much praise growing up, or may have had parents who were uncomfortable with receiving praise themselves.

None of what I have written about here is uncommon. You might ask yourself what messages you grew up with, and whether they still influence how you think about yourself today. Once again, this is not about blaming those who raised you. It is about asking, honestly and kindly, how those experiences shaped you and whether the story you have carried still serves you now.

Changing the story you carry

The good news is that you do not have to carry on living and feeling like this. By talking honestly about your childhood in therapy, you can begin to unpack the subtle messages that may have been holding you back. Over time, it is possible to change that narrative into something kinder, more positive and more assertive — one that offers a path towards a happier life.

If you are worried about how therapy might affect the way you feel about your family, it may help to remember that therapy is not about blaming your parents. They were your first teachers about life and helped shape the templates on which you based your sense of self. The question is whether that is the whole story. Might there be more to understand, and would you like to begin changing that narrative into something more compassionate and liberating?

Thinking about starting therapy?

If anything I have written about in this blog has resonated with you, please feel free to get in touch. I offer a free introductory session where you can talk about what you would like to explore and get a sense of whether the way I work feels right for you.

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