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You have decided to explore therapy and that is a brave and hopeful step. It may also feel a little daunting. Perhaps you are sitting at home with six websites open on your laptop all seeming to say similar things and wondering how on earth you are supposed to choose. They talk about their qualifications, background and approach but which one is the right one for you? This blog is to give you some ideas to help you notice what matters, trust your instincts and feel a little more confident about taking the next step.
Start with what you need
When I am asked what to look for in a therapist, my first suggestion is to ask yourself: “Would I feel comfortable talking to this person?”. The most experienced and qualified therapist won’t help you much if you don’t feel at ease talking to them and your reaction can be as instinctive as that they remind you of a teacher you didn’t like at school. Trust that instinct. If you don’t feel comfortable with the individual in front of you, you won’t feel able to talk as deeply as you might need and that will lead to frustration and failure.
Maybe the issues you wish to address are focused on the present relating to work or romantic relationships. It might be that you want to address some historic issues which you feel are holding you back and you would like some help to work out what you think and feel about the past.Think about what you need. These are your sessions and there are many therapists to choose from.
Notice what helps you feel comfortable
Therapists come from a variety of backgrounds and experience and will have different styles of working and these will not suit every client. This is why it is important to find someone who is the right fit for you. Some therapists will have a relaxed and conversational style others will be more reflective and thoughtful. Others may adopt a challenging approach quickly whereas others will take their time giving you more space and listening to what you have to say before going deeper into the work. Every approach has its benefits, and you will find out which works best for you.
I tend to take a more reflective approach, encouraging the client to talk about what has brought them to therapy and hearing about their background and experience. Once we have established a level of trust and the client begins to feel safe enough to talk more openly, we can dig a little deeper and explore together what will help.
Get a feel for the therapist’s style
You might find you need someone who helps you find the words when you are feeling stuck or you might prefer someone who gives you the space to work it out for yourself. Some clients need a directive approach, someone who will challenge them a little and guide them to finding their own answers. Others may have had a lot of powerful personalities in their life and really want someone to simply listen and create a safe space where they can work out their own answers.
I like clients to feel comfortable and relaxed even when they are talking about challenging material. Clients have often said to me that they had little idea what they were going to talk about before the session and yet found, once we began, they had plenty to say. I know that coming to therapy can fill people with anxiety, so I do my utmost to help clients feel safe and that they will be taken seriously.
I also like to use a bit of humour in my sessions when it feels appropriate because difficult conversations don’t have to be heavy all the time. I believe humour is one of the greatest gifts we have and allows us to go deeper into an issue when the time is right.
Above all, I want the client to feel heard. How often have you felt someone was really listening to you when you were talking to them? unfortunately, we often feel the other person is just waiting for us to finish before they can put their point across. Having someone deeply listen, without judgement, is hugely therapeutic.
Think about what you hope therapy might change
Many clients have told me that coming to therapy was one of the best decisions they made. Often, they arrived feeling low, anxious or unsure of what they needed. The thought of sitting in a room and talking to a therapist could feel intimidating at first. But, over time, they found they were able to relax, talk about painful or difficult material and discover greater resilience and strength.
I see therapy as a process we do together. I have a skill set that helps a client find clarity and insight, but they are the expert on their life and experience even when they feel confused and unsure. People have often told me that they found our work together transformative and, despite their confusion or misgivings about the process at the beginning, they barely recognise who they were before we began working together.
The armchair test
Time and again, research* into what makes for a successful outcome in therapy has come down to a concept named “the therapeutic alliance” which is a technical term for when the client feels secure and comfortable so that they can share the most personal information and feel understood. I have heard this described as ‘The Armchair Test’: can you imagine sitting in an armchair across from this person and talking to them openly about your life. Some questions you might find helpful to answer might be:
“Could I imagine myself talking openly to this person?”
“Would I feel comfortable sharing things with this person I have never said out loud before?”
“Do I think they might understand what I am going through?”
If you can say yes to these questions, then trust that instinct and book an appointment.
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Take the next step when it feels right
Different therapists suit different people and that is ok. What matters most is that you find someone who you feel able to talk to openly and honestly. If you would like to get a sense of how I work and whether I might be the right fit for you, I offer a free half-hour call. There is no pressure and no expectation – just a chance for us to talk about what you are looking for and whether working together feels right.
*Clarkson, P. The Therapeutic Relationship, Whurr Publishers ltd, 2003