If you are living with depression, you may already know how quietly and thoroughly it can affect your life. Depression can be deeply corrosive, wearing away at our sense of self-worth, destroy our peace of mind and make us feel we are living without hope. It can affect anyone - even those whose lives look stable and happy from the outside. you have a job, a relationship, a family, all the foundations of life seem secure and yet you feel disconnected, joyless or numb.

The hidden self-blame that comes with depression

What makes this even harder is how it creates a cycle of self-blame: you say to yourself: “I have no reason to feel this way, other people have it far worse than I do, why can’t I cope?” This is, perhaps, the worst part of it, that nagging internal voice that says you are self-indulgent, or weak, or lack an element of character that others clearly have. That you are, on some level, not good enough.

Perhaps, you have tried talking to your partner or close friends. They give you a concerned smile and say that everyone has a bad time now and again, or try to show where you are fortunate, or where you are doing well, or what you should be grateful for: they offer solutions. You know that they are trying to help, but the conversation doesn’t change anything and you continue to feel that creeping blankness, or the grey veil that seems to hang between you and everything you used to enjoy. So, you bottle it all up and trust that things will eventually change, but they don’t.

The Difference between Sadness and Depression

Depression isn’t sadness which comes and goes with the ups and downs of life. A healthy emotional state is like the weather: sometimes it’s a tranquil summer day, other times it’s a wet Tuesday in Winter, but we know it will pass and don’t let it consume us.

Depression is something else. It is a loss of vitality and is often the result of a breakdown in one’s sense of purpose or a fundamental questioning of values which may have formed the bedrock of your life up to a certain point. Depression is a common response after the breakdown of a relationship, the end of a career, the sudden loss of identity when the children leave home or if our life seems to have become derailed from the dreams we cherished in earlier times.

How Sadness and Anger can be signs towards healing

As a therapist, I find that one of the most difficult concepts to communicate is that our so-called negative feelings are, in fact, clues to our healing. Of course, no one likes feeling sad or depressed and it is much more enjoyable to be happy, but if we lose a partner or a cherished dream doesn’t work out, it is appropriate to feel sad and to mourn that loss.

Anger is another so-called negative emotion that we often find difficult to handle. Few of us relish the idea of getting into an argument or expressing our anger. Perhaps you were ridiculed as a child when you got angry or you learned an early message that “angry girls” aren’t pretty or attractive. But sometimes our anger is necessary, enabling us to set healthy boundaries and if we don’t express it, our anger will turn in on itself and lead to depression. Unless we take action - often the last thing we feel able to do when depressed – Depression can stay with us for months or even years.

The hidden cost of “getting on with it”

My mum had a catch phrase: “Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.” She was of a generation which had lived through a war, and they had little choice but to “just get on with it”. I recognise that there are times when we have to do just that, but this attitude can also lead us to suppress any painful feelings through relentless activity or a mask of cheerfulness. Over time, this can leave us disconnected from ourselves: If we choke down our negative feelings long enough, we lose touch with our intuition and our emotional vocabulary and cannot express our needs.

A Compassionate Approach to Recovery from Depression

So, if you are living with depression, I invite you to let go of self-blame even if only for a moment. Instead, bring compassionate curiosity to what you are feeling. Ask yourself what this depression might be expressing, what it may be asking of you and what needs your attention. If this is where you are right now, you are not alone. You are not weak for feeling this way. Depression is a human response to pain, loss, disconnection and exhaustion. It deserves kindness not judgement.

If anything I have written above has resonated with you, feel free to get in touch.

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