Have you ever noticed the small things you say about yourself without really thinking? A throwaway apology, a joke at your own expense, or a quick dismissal of something you have achieved can pass by unnoticed. Yet these little habits can sometimes offer a clue about how we have learned to see ourselves.

Sometime ago, I was sat in a pub with a group of friends on our regular Thursday night meet up. We got talking about who tends to do the cooking in our families. In our household, that is usually me. I have always been a confident cook. I find it creative and relaxing. I think I learned some of that from my mum.

She had been an exchange student in France when at university and had picked up a wonderfully Gallic approach to meals. She was a great cook and was never happier than when she was dishing up food to a large table of friends and family. Yet she would often begin a meal by saying, “This is probably inedible, but I hope you won’t find it too awful.” I never liked hearing her say this. It sounded as if she was running herself down and I always wondered why. That memory has stayed with me, because it says something about the small verbal habits we all develop, and what they might reveal about how we feel about ourselves.

How Negative Self-Talk Can Reveal Low Self-Esteem

Perhaps you recognise something similar in yourself. Maybe you minimise your achievements so as not to appear arrogant? Maybe you hold back from speaking because you fear others will think you are stupid, or fear stumbling over your words and looking foolish. You might often compare yourself to others and wish you were wittier, more intelligent, slimmer, or simply more deserving of the place you have earned.

These behaviours are not unusual and they can become so familiar that they feel like part of who you are. You might notice that you don’t speak up when you have useful things to say in a meeting, or that you begin a contribution with a phrase such as “Sorry if I am being stupid,” or “This is probably a silly idea, but…”

Where do Self-Critical Habits Come From?

Now and again, a self-deprecating remark is ok and can even be a sign that we don’t take ourselves too seriously. It is also understandable to feel anxious before a major presentation at work or to worry whether we measure up when we find ourselves among people we admire. But, it can be worth noticing when such remarks or behaviours become a pattern: when you often put yourself down, dismiss your accomplishments, or brush away a compliment before it has a chance to land. At that point the behaviour maybe expressing something deeper - a less helpful mindset about how you think of yourself and what you are allowed to claim as rightfully yours.

Some time ago, I worked with a client who had a long list of considerable achievements. They had learned several languages, travelled alone through unfamiliar parts of the world for months at a time, emigrated to the UK from their home country, and created an exciting life for themselves. They had shown remarkable self-reliance, and few people would have the courage to attempt half of what they had achieved. Yet they struggled to give themselves even a shred of credit.

If you often put yourself down, it may help to ask whether you would talk to a friend in the same way if they came to you with a problem? Most of us would not. We would probably offer more kindness, more patience and a much fairer view of what they were carrying.

How to Challenge Negative Self-Talk and Build Self-Esteem

So now might be the time to pick up on a behaviour that you have noticed and ask where you think it comes from? Many of our habits were picked up in childhood either from parents or from the schools we attended. I often think my mum’s habit of putting down her food even as she dished it up was a protective measure designed to deflect any possible criticism before it arrived.

What purpose is the behaviour that you have noticed serving? Sometimes we catastrophise so that we are prepared for the worst when it happens. However, if we practice this all the time, it can become so ingrained that we barely notice that we are doing it. If we anticipate disaster often enough, we might stop hoping or working for a happier life, because we have talked ourselves out of the possibility that it will ever happen. I really understand this. Holding back or not taking a risk can seem like safe options. Putting yourself down before anyone else does, might feel like you are subverting the criticism you anticipate, but do it for long enough and it will become a habit that convinces you not to even try.

Have you noticed a behaviour that has become a habit or a phrase that you often say which has become automatic and perhaps isn’t serving you well? Is it part of a broader picture of how you see yourself and are you happy with that image? If you have some questions about how you speak to yourself then it’s ok to stop and reflect on whether this behaviour is serving you and helping you achieve the life you want.

If you have recognised yourself in anything you have read here, and you would like a safe space to explore it further, I would be very happy to hear from you.

Drop me a line