I have been thinking lately about the relationship between children and their fathers. I had been listening to Legend, Laura Barton’s biography of Bruce Springsteen on Radio 4 and it made me wonder. Here is one of the most successful rock stars the world has ever seen and who has been able to articulate the experience of the American male with a clarity and empathy that few others could match and yet who still struggled to form a satisfying relationship with his father. I could barely put three chords together on a guitar if you gave me a month to learn, so I won’t make any claims to be in Springsteen’s league, but I am no stranger to feeling a loss in my life that I never had a close relationship with my dad. Be it through, Death, Divorce, Boarding School Syndrome or a simple failure to communicate, many of us find this fundamental relationship tough and wish we could understand our relationship or our feelings about our father more skillfully.
Moving Beyond Blame: Understanding Our Parents
At some point early on in my work with a client the issue of parenting will usually come up, and I will be told “I don’t want to blame my parents” and this is an important issue to address. We often talk about our experiences in childhood during therapy because this is where the foundation of much of how we think and relate to the world is laid. We all know our parents were flawed human beings doing their best and it would be ridiculous to expect them to be otherwise. I always remember Maureen Lipman talking about holding her first child and seeing it look up into her eyes with its sceptical, Churchillian face and imagining the child was thinking “You’re not remotely qualified for this are you?” There are more books about parenting out there than even Deep Mind could read in a thousand years, but nothing prepares you for the experience and you learn on the job, and you learn the greatest lessons by making mistakes. I want to stress that therapy is not about finding a convenient scapegoat for our problems and heaping responsibility on them, but sometimes it is about unpacking how we were parented and how that has informed how we see the world.
Recommended Books for Healing and InsighT*
So, we all had parents - biological or otherwise - and we all want to understand how this relationship formed who we are and how we think and feel about the world. In those first relationships, men learn about women through their mothers, daughters through their relationship with their fathers, but what if we never felt they really understood us, that they were too busy keeping the lights on to sit down with us and make us feel worthy of their attention. I would like to share a few resources which have helped me navigate this most important relationship and I hope you find them useful.
The Drama of Being a Child by Alice Miller. This was suggested to me at my first ever therapy session and it literally changed my life. It is a short, but powerful book about how the experiences of childhood mold how we feel about the world and ourselves. Be prepared for strong emotions – it’s a transformative read that can stir up deep reflections on how we were parented.
The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and your children will be glad you did) by Philippa Perry. Philippa Perry is the wife of the sculptor Grayson Perry (who has some astute observations of the dilemmas of life for the modern male) and I think her book is excellent. it captures the challenges, frustrations and joys of parenting very well and explains why your attention can be the greatest gift you can ever give a child and offers practical advice for nurturing relationships.
Notes on Being a Man by Scott Galloway: I have just finished the audiobook of this and it has some intriguing ideas drawn from the author’s experience. He talks about education, work, dating and sex and how to parent. I don’t agree with everything he writes, but there is plenty to reflect on.
Lastly, I studied literature at the University of York back in the mid-nineties and so I find fiction is often an imaginative resource for understand life and making us feel we are not alone in the world. Here are just a few of my favourites.
David Copperfield by Charles Dickens: I have read this novel several times since I was first forced to study it for English O’ level and I have grown to love it. Dickens’ most autobiographical novel follows the central character from birth to adulthood exploring his journey through a world filled with some of Dickens’ greatest characters. David’s experience of losing his father and encountering various paternal figures, both good and bad, offers rich insight into family dynamics.
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. Atticus Finch stands out as a loving and devoted father, champion of the defenceless, and a model of moral courage. His relationship with his children is beautifully portrayed, making him one of literature’s most admired parental figures. He’s also a crack shot with a hunting rifle! When I read it, I wanted him to adopt me.
Navigating our feelings about those who raised us can be complex—sometimes we feel frustrated, hurt, or even angry, and that’s perfectly ok. These emotions are often a sign of how much we care about these relationships and their impact on our lives. Remember, you’re not alone in these experiences, and there are resources and people who can help you make sense of them.
If any of what I’ve shared here resonates with you, I encourage you to explore the books mentioned above, or to reach out for support when you’re ready. Understanding our past can be a powerful step towards shaping a more fulfilling future. I’m here if you’d like to talk further or share your own reflections.
*The links I have shared here are for the online shopping site Hive. I choose this site, rather than other ubiquitous shopping sites, because it is based and pays tax in the UK and you can donate a percentage of your purchase to a local bookshop that you want to support.