The best books to help you understand your childhood, your parents and yourself

I have been thinking lately about the relationship between children and their fathers. I had been listening to Legend, Laura Barton’s biography of Bruce Springsteen on Radio 4 and it made me wonder. Here is one of the most successful rock stars the world has ever seen and who has been able to articulate the experience of the American male with a clarity and empathy that few others could match and yet who still struggled to form a satisfying relationship with his father. I could barely put three chords together on a guitar if you gave me a month to learn, so I won’t make any claims to be in Springsteen’s league, but I am no stranger to feeling a loss in my life that I never had a close relationship with my dad. Be it through, Death, Divorce, Boarding School Syndrome or a simple failure to communicate, many of us find this fundamental relationship tough and wish we could understand our relationship or our feelings about our father more skillfully.

Moving Beyond Blame: Understanding Our Parents

At some point early on in my work with a client the issue of parenting will usually come up, and I will be told “I don’t want to blame my parents” and this is an important issue to address. We often talk about our experiences in childhood during therapy because this is where the foundation of much of how we think and relate to the world is laid. We all know our parents were flawed human beings doing their best and it would be ridiculous to expect them to be otherwise. I always remember Maureen Lipman talking about holding her first child and seeing it look up into her eyes with its sceptical, Churchillian face and imagining the child was thinking “You’re not remotely qualified for this are you?” There are more books about parenting out there than even Deep Mind could read in a thousand years, but nothing prepares you for the experience and you learn on the job, and you learn the greatest lessons by making mistakes. I want to stress that therapy is not about finding a convenient scapegoat for our problems and heaping responsibility on them, but sometimes it is about unpacking how we were parented and how that has informed how we see the world.

Recommended Books for Healing and InsighT*

So, we all had parents - biological or otherwise - and we all want to understand how this relationship formed who we are and how we think and feel about the world. In those first relationships, men learn about women through their mothers, daughters through their relationship with their fathers, but what if we never felt they really understood us, that they were too busy keeping the lights on to sit down with us and make us feel worthy of their attention. I would like to share a few resources which have helped me navigate this most important relationship and I hope you find them useful.

The Drama of Being a Child by Alice Miller. This was suggested to me at my first ever therapy session and it literally changed my life. It is a short, but powerful book about how the experiences of childhood mold how we feel about the world and ourselves. Be prepared for strong emotions – it’s a transformative read that can stir up deep reflections on how we were parented.

The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and your children will be glad you did) by Philippa Perry. Philippa Perry is the wife of the sculptor Grayson Perry (who has some astute observations of the dilemmas of life for the modern male) and I think her book is excellent. it captures the challenges, frustrations and joys of parenting very well and explains why your attention can be the greatest gift you can ever give a child and offers practical advice for nurturing relationships.

Notes on Being a Man by Scott Galloway: I have just finished the audiobook of this and it has some intriguing ideas drawn from the author’s experience. He talks about education, work, dating and sex and how to parent. I don’t agree with everything he writes, but there is plenty to reflect on.

Lastly, I studied literature at the University of York back in the mid-nineties and so I find fiction is often an imaginative resource for understand life and making us feel we are not alone in the world. Here are just a few of my favourites.  

David Copperfield by Charles Dickens: I have read this novel several times since I was first forced to study it for English O’ level and I have grown to love it. Dickens’ most autobiographical novel follows the central character from birth to adulthood exploring his journey through a world filled with some of Dickens’ greatest characters. David’s experience of losing his father and encountering various paternal figures, both good and bad, offers rich insight into family dynamics.  

To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. Atticus Finch stands out as a loving and devoted father, champion of the defenceless, and a model of moral courage. His relationship with his children is beautifully portrayed, making him one of literature’s most admired parental figures. He’s also a crack shot with a hunting rifle! When I read it, I wanted him to adopt me.

Navigating our feelings about those who raised us can be complex—sometimes we feel frustrated, hurt, or even angry, and that’s perfectly ok. These emotions are often a sign of how much we care about these relationships and their impact on our lives. Remember, you’re not alone in these experiences, and there are resources and people who can help you make sense of them.

If any of what I’ve shared here resonates with you, I encourage you to explore the books mentioned above, or to reach out for support when you’re ready. Understanding our past can be a powerful step towards shaping a more fulfilling future. I’m here if you’d like to talk further or share your own reflections.

*The links I have shared here are for the online shopping site Hive. I choose this site, rather than other ubiquitous shopping sites, because it is based and pays tax in the UK and you can donate a percentage of your purchase to a local bookshop that you want to support.

When “nothing’s wrong” but you’re still exhausted

Sometime ago, a client sat before me for our first session* and said, “I don’t know what’s wrong, I just feel tired all the time.” He was a healthy guy, in a secure relationship, came from a loving family and earned a decent living, so he had no reason that he could find to feel drained and unable to cope?

He hadn’t wanted to burden his friends or to worry his family and besides nothing seemed to be wrong, in fact, compared to most people on the planet he was living the good life. After living with this feeling for several months, his partner had suggested he talk to someone. “No thanks, I’m not that desperate.” And he soldiered on telling himself everyone has a rocky patch now and then and this will pass. But it didn’t.

The hidden weight of responsibility

As we talked, I began to get a sense of his life: that he had recently been promoted and with the improved income had come more responsibility. He had expected this but had hoped he would adjust to the new pressures. However, he had been handling some other issues in his personal life and these had become invisible loads that, along with more responsibility, had taken him from “Just about managing” to “running on empty”. Every day began with an unsettling anxiety like a low discordant hum in the background. He wondered if others felt like this. He had tried talking to a colleague, but they didn’t seem to want to listen, and he felt they shut him down.

My client’s story is not unique – many people find themselves in a similar place wondering why they feel so exhausted. When you feel this way, it is not a sign of weakness to feel you can’t cope sometimes, and you aren’t “broken” if you feel overwhelmed. It is more likely to be a sign that you have been coping for too long on your own and would benefit from some support. It’s easy to dismiss self-care as indulgent, especially when life feels overwhelming, and it is often the first thing we sacrifice. So how do we look after ourselves when we already feel we are doing too much?

This is usually the point where some helpful soul will suggest exercise. I know, I know, it’s a cliché. But like most cliches it has a kernel of truth. Doing something physical, gets you out of your head and into your body. It lets you drop the thinking for a while and exercise doesn’t mean having to pump iron in a gym to pounding rock music. Even a daily walk can make a difference.

How a dog changed my routine

I got a dog this year and now I have an hour or two each day when I get out of the house and take her for a walk. There are definitely times when I would rather not have this responsibility, but whether I want to or not, the dog needs a walk and it has brought many benefits: Each day I have an hour out in nature either first thing in the morning or as a full stop to the end of the working day. This has become a precious hour when I can leave work behind and the simple act of putting one foot in front of another, changes how I feel. I come back refreshed, with the mental cobwebs blown out of my head and have noticed that I sleep better and have lost weight with a regular dose of incidental exercise. In addition, there is the wonderful unadulterated joy with which a dog greets you when you come through the door.

Frankie and I walking together on the hills near Brighton Racecourse.

Finding support: you don’t have to do this alone

Of course, not everyone has a dog – or wants one. But the principle is the same: find a small regular activity that gets you moving and gives your mind a break. what can you do that might relieve the pressure? Small changes can make a big difference. Do you find that your tea has gone cold before you have a chance to drink it? In which case, why not zap it in the microwave, sit back, gaze out of the window and actually take time to drink it. The world can wait for a few minutes.

·       There are a number of resources that can help when you feel like you need a little extra support: Andy’s Man Club has just opened a branch in Brighton and meet every Monday at the Hilton Metropole between 7pm and 9pm. It is a chance to meet and talk about anything that is on your mind and feel like you aren’t alone.

·       You could also try one of a number of podcasts which tackle the stress of modern living: Disordered presented by Josh Fletcher AKA “Anxiety Josh” and Drew Linsalata offers helpful advice on how to manage anxiety presented in an informed and friendly way. Their latest episode (130) on the inner critic is a belter! Perhaps you could listen to an episode on the commute to or from work.

The power of talking

Men have a reputation for finding it hard to talk about their feelings, but it is one of the best things we can do to help get back on track and it’s not about ‘fixing’ anything. You won’t have to talk about your childhood, and it isn’t only for people in crisis. It is about taking some time to talk through an issue and have someone genuinely listen. This simple act can often result in feeling like a weight has been taken off your shoulders and that can make all the difference.

Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish – it’s essential. If any of this has resonated with you, I am here when you are ready.

*Disclaimer: any reference to a client in my blogs will be edited to keep their identity and the content of our sessions private.