Sometime ago, a client sat before me for our first session and said, “I don’t know what’s wrong, I just feel tired all the time.” He was a healthy guy, in a secure relationship, came from a loving family and earned a decent living, so he had no reason that he could find to feel drained and unable to cope?
He hadn’t wanted to burden his friends or to worry his family and besides nothing seemed to be wrong, in fact, compared to most people on the planet he was living the good life. After living with this feeling for several months, his partner had suggested he talk to someone. “No thanks, I’m not that desperate.” And he soldiered on telling himself everyone has a rocky patch now and then and this will pass. But it didn’t.
The hidden weight of responsibility
As we talked, I began to get a sense of his life: that he had recently been promoted and with the improved income had come more responsibility. He had expected this but had hoped he would adjust to the new pressures. However, he had been handling some other issues in his personal life and these had become invisible loads that, along with more responsibility, had taken him from “Just about managing” to “running on empty”. Every day began with an unsettling anxiety like a low discordant hum in the background. He wondered if others felt like this. He had tried talking to a colleague, but they didn’t seem to want to listen, and he felt they shut him down.
My client’s story is not unique – many people find themselves in a similar place wondering why they feel so exhausted. When you feel this way, it is not a sign of weakness to feel you can’t cope sometimes, and you aren’t “broken” if you feel overwhelmed. It is more likely to be a sign that you have been coping for too long on your own and would benefit from some support. It’s easy to dismiss self-care as indulgent, especially when life feels overwhelming, and it is often the first thing we sacrifice. So how do we look after ourselves when we already feel we are doing too much?
This is usually the point where some helpful soul will suggest exercise. I know, I know, it’s a cliché. But like most cliches it has a kernel of truth. Doing something physical, gets you out of your head and into your body. It lets you drop the thinking for a while and exercise doesn’t mean having to pump iron in a gym to pounding rock music. Even a daily walk can make a difference.
How a dog changed my routine
I got a dog this year and now I have an hour or two each day when I get out of the houe and take her for a walk. There are definitely times when I would rather not have this responsibility, but whether I want to or not, the dog needs a walk and it has brought many benefits: Each day I have an hour out in nature either first thing in the morning or as a full stop to the end of the working day. This has become a precious hour when I can leave work behind and the simple act of putting one foot in front of another, changes how I feel. I come back refreshed, with the mental cobwebs blown out of my head and have noticed that I sleep better and have lost weight with a regular dose of incidental exercise. In addition, there is the wonderful unadulterated joy with which a dog greets you when you come through the door.
Frankie and I walking together on the hills near Brighton Racecourse.
Finding support: you don’t have to do this alone
Of course, not everyone has a dog – or wants one. But the principle is the same: find a small regular activity that gets you moving and gives your mind a break. what can you do that might relieve the pressure? Small changes can make a big difference. Do you find that your tea has gone cold before you have a chance to drink it? In which case, why not zap it in the microwave, sit back, gaze out of the window and actually take time to drink it. The world can wait for a few minutes.
· There are a number of resources that can help when you feel like you need a little extra support: Andy’s Man Club has just opened a branch in Brighton and meet every Monday at the Hilton Metropole between 7pm and 9pm. It is a chance to meet and talk about anything that is on your mind and feel like you aren’t alone.
· You could also try one of a number of podcasts which tackle the stress of modern living: Disordered presented by Josh Fletcher AKA “Anxiety Josh” and Drew Linsalata offers helpful advice on how to manage anxiety presented in an informed and friendly way. Their latest episode (130) on the inner critic is a belter! Perhaps you could listen to an episode on the commute to or from work.
The power of talking
Men have a reputation for finding it hard to talk about their feelings, but it is one of the best things we can do to help get back on track and it’s not about ‘fixing’ anything. You won’t have to talk about your childhood, and it isn’t only for people in crisis. It is about taking some time to talk through an issue and have someone genuinely listen. This simple act can often result in feeling like a weight has been taken off your shoulders and that can make all the difference.
Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish – it’s essential. If any of this has resonated with you, I am here when you are ready.